Switching tracks

Last week, after writing about my second thoughts about going to graduate school, I e-mailed the link to Don.  I also sent it to three women whom I respect: an academic, a retired teacher, and a lawyer-turned-homeschooling mom.  I hoped each could offer some useful advice and that their different perspectives would help me look at all sides of the situation.  I was amazed by the time and care they put into reading and responding to my thoughts; I am grateful that I was able to turn to them and profit from their wisdom and experience.

I spent hours reading their responses, reflecting, and writing about my evolving thoughts.  Don was in Ottawa for a conference and that wasn’t the kind of conversation we wanted to have on the phone, so we waited until he came back last Saturday.  We went for a long walk and caught up on each other’s lives since we had last talked on the phone, then we had a good conversation about whether I would start grad school in the fall or keep teaching.

Don said when he read my blog post, he felt bad about pushing me into applying for grad school, even though he was only doing it because he thought it would be good for me.  He acknowledged that it was my decision to make and that I have put a lot of thought into it.  He insisted that he didn’t want me to make the decision based on money, and he said that if I decided to teach, he wanted me to do the part-time master’s in education.

I had a lot more to say, trying to summarize my thoughts, which had evolved considerably since my blog post.  I explained why I feel that continuing to teach is the better choice for me, rather than pursuing an academic career.

While I would enjoy being a graduate student, it feels kind of selfish to consider it.  It wouldn’t be a bad thing to be a student and then become a professor, but I think there are more positives if I continue teaching.  We could afford to have more children, which is very important to me.  [One of my mentors wrote, "You have mentioned often your desire to have another child...But Peter is growing up without his sibling(s)."]  I would have the opportunity to experience a greater feeling of accomplishment in teaching.  I would contribute something useful to society as a teacher, more so than as a graduate student.  I could still earn a master’s degree part-time.  Six years from now, I would have plenty of options.  I could keep teaching full-time or part-time, go back to school and pursue an academic career, let Don take over the bread-winning and be a stay-at-home (possibly homeschooling) mom, or find something new to do.  I would feel more comfortable considering a range of options if I’d been teaching, whereas if I earned a Ph.D., I would feel like I had to seek an academic position.  I appreciate that feeling of future flexibility.

At my grandfather’s funeral, I remember noticing how many times people mentioned his six children, thirteen grandchildren, and one great-grandchild (Peter).  But there was only one brief reference to his job, where he worked for around 30 years.  That stuck with me.  My family is more important than my job.  The real question to answer is not, “What do I want to do?” but “What is best for me and my family?”  When I looked at this decision from that perspective, it was easier to decide that teaching is better than graduate school for me now.

Although my decision was made almost a week ago, I waited until I took care of the details before posting here.  I contacted the school board, was again offered a position on their occasional teacher list, and accepted it.  I contacted the university and let them know of my intention to withdraw from the linguistics program.  I feel surprisingly calm and peaceful about this big, huge, life-course-changing decision.  While it might seem a bit of a waste to spend all the money and time applying to grad school and then back out of going, I think there is value in this experience.  It means I have actually chosen to continue teaching, even though I had other opportunities.  It’s not just something I’m doing because I feel I have to, but because I decided that this is what I want to do.  This is the path that leads in the direction I want to go.