After my long recent post, I figured I was done writing about adoption. But it turns out that I have more to say.
Some things that my friend Joy has said and some other people’s blog posts (particularly this one, and also this one and this one) have influenced my thinking lately. Even though I saw a therapist and got reassurances that my reactions were normal, it means so much more to hear from other adoptive parents about their difficulties with attachment. There’s a lot written about kids having difficulty attaching, but for adoptive parents to openly acknowledge that they had difficulty with attachment is new for me. When I described my difficulties at the CAS-run adoption transition support group last spring, none of the other parents gave any indication that they ever felt remotely the same way. I felt like everyone else was happy and loved their kids and was managing the stress well and I was the dissonant chord in the room. After the first day, I didn’t talk much about my feelings because I felt like no one there wanted to hear it. Considering that’s how I felt around other adoptive parents, I felt even more like I shouldn’t say anything to people in general. Telling people that we decided not to go through with the adoption is still difficult (though there are fewer occasions that we need to tell people anymore), because I feel that people expect adoption to be this super happy thing and they will judge me negatively because it didn’t work out that way.
Knowing that my experience is not uncommon is a huge relief. But still, I had this lingering concern that I was somehow deficient, that there was something wrong with me. Other adoptive parents had difficulties with attachment, but they persevered and ended up with happy (or at least functional) relationships with their kids. I didn’t.
Then I saw our situation in a new way. Since making the decision not to proceed with the adoption, I kept insisting that it was because of my attachment problems, not because of D’s special needs. It seemed unfair and discriminatory to decide not to commit to him as soon as we had numbers quantifying his delays, and I had been struggling with attachment issues for months. But the truth is that my decision not to proceed was because of both my attachment difficulties AND his special needs. I think I could have overcome one or the other. I had already worked through the attachment stuff with the therapist and gotten to a point where I had decided to continue with the adoption; if the special needs stuff hadn’t been there, I would have carried on and things would likely have worked out. On the other hand, if I had attached to him strongly, I wouldn’t have reacted the same way to the results of his developmental assessment. I don’t think our adoption attempt failed because of some deep flaw in me, but because of the difficulty of facing both of those challenges at the same time.
Realizing this makes me feel better about the possibility of adopting in the future. Our situation was rather unique, both because D didn’t speak English and because we were the first family he was placed with after he entered care. If English was his native language and/or he had lived with another foster family first, it’s more likely that his delays would have been identified before he was placed with us. If we pursue another adoption, it’s unlikely that we would have another child placed with us with such significant unidentified needs. It’s quite possible that I’d face hurdles with attachment again, but I would be better prepared to deal with them. Knowing that it’s not so unusual and that many adoptive parents who struggle with attachment are able to build healthy attachments over time would give me the hope and perspective I would need to keep going.
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